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Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 12/01/03

12/01/03
by Joe Dlugosz
Last week, in an effort to help eight ninths of the league's fans I created a standard Mad Libs style form letter with which one could easily document the many transgressions that occur over the course of the season in a quick and easy manner. Knowing that the league is understaffed and overworked during a hectic season of making sure basketball games have the correct outcomes I have given them a simple reply letter that can be used in most any circumstance.

Dear [insert non-important, non Butler fan's name]:

The league is aware of the happenings of [insert date when league was called out] and has sufficiently handled and levied appropriate action against the perpetrators of the incident you are concerned about. The actions taken by both the players and coaching staff of [insert Butler opponent from alleged night of incident] represent all that is wrong with the enterprise that we are navigating. Both have been suspended by the league.

As far as the situation concerning [insert Butler player who committed assault] he has been named player of the week. The league feels that his actions represent exactly what the image that we are trying to portray here at this [insert the word enterprise or a similar enterprising word]

In reference to your [insert non-sensical adjective] criticism of the refereeing must say that the league, and I are [insert adjective] disappointed that a fan would question the way in which we handle the officiating [insert enterprise]. Our czar of officiating has worked with several prominent industries such as Tyco, Worldcom, Enron, Global Crossings and [insert various Putnam Mutual Funds]. All along the way he has brought much fame and fortune to a very select few while, at the same time, ruining the lives of those that worked for the companies. It's that kind of commitment and determination that he brings to our officials and it has paid huge dividends for the league to this point.

Perhaps a fan that cheers for a team such as yours cannot understand the enterprise we are commanding. I must ask that you back into the hole from which you came if you cannot see the light.

[Insert Name]
[Insert very important sounding title, hoping to create fear in the mind of non-Butler fan]

Previous Columns:

Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 11/24/03