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The Drunken Observer
sometime in the early morning on 1/16/05by OC Rambler
I took a job recently as an Kaplan instructer, teaching LSAT classes. I teach kids to pick apart their reading comprehension in just such a way:
Topic: Loyola Hoop.
Scope: Nick impregnating his girlfriend and setting up a shotgun wedding.
Purpose: Kicking the crap out of a couple of kids that were asking for it at the end of the bachelor party.
Loyola won today over Wright State. That's essentially all I'm gonna write about it; I didn't get there until there were 6 minutes left because of work, so I didn't see much. Thanks to the coaching staff for showing up at the post-game to talk with people, that's a great touch and nice to see that the coaches care about the alumni.
Speaking of the post game, that was just the beginning of a rediciulous day for a few of us; Big Joe, Maroon, Nagel, Kdiddy, the Don, O'Malley, and myself met up at the game to start of a full day of boozing in celebration of the seed that Nick has planted in Anita, and the death of Classless as we know him. I was keeping track on my stopwatch; in 10:58.41, I had 25 "laps" (and by laps, I mean drinks). Good gravy.
So, as usual, we closed out the hospitality room, only this time, we really closed it out. Literally every other person -- staff and all -- left before we were done there. From Zips, we headed out to world famous Bruno's Lounge, where darts were broken with reckless abandon and the beer flowed like wine. We decided at this point (after only the 5 hours), we needed some food if we were going to keep up the pace. We grabbed some grub at the Hambone (little word to the wise -- six tacos are NOT a good idea). We then grabbed a cab and went out to Lil' Joe's condo to catch the bus that was to take us on our great adventure.
Let me tell you about "Club O." At least that's what I think it's called. It's in Harvey, Illinois. 170th St. and Halsted. I don't want to scandalize any of my sensitive readers (I'm pretty sure nobody but my brothers read this anyway, so it's probably okay), but HOLY GOD. DOLLAR DANCES. There just want they sound like. Girls. With boobies. For dollars. Only ONE dollars. Delightful. These girls all had daddy problems; I know, because I asked. That didn't stop them from being very very hot. We were big fans. Big fans. For the first three hours, we were like, eh, a strip club, what else is new. For the last three hours, we were like, "This is the f***ing coolest s**t in the world."
At 1:50, we dragged our asses out of there, thinking that the bus was going to leave without us, only to find that Big Joe, Nagel, O'Malley, Don, Maroon, Kdiddy (WHO FELL ASLEEP MULTIPLE TIMES WHILE IN THE VIP SECTION OF THE NUDDIE BAR) and myself were the first on the bus. Eventually others start filtering in, including my buddies, Stephan and Marcos. I call them my buddies because my mom taught me its rude to refer to people as #@#$#%@!. I don't know how these guys are related to Classless, but what it comes down to is that they suck at life and are lucky we didn't hand them their asses. They just got on the bus and started talking trash about Big Joe, saying he threw stuff at them -- completely untrue. I didn't even know they were talking about Joe, that's how ridiculous the situation was. Luke (Maroon) was taking no crap though, and very soon OMalley, Luke and I had these two losers pinned to the back of the bus. Now, I don't like to fight. At all. Really. But these ******* got me fired up.
The whole ride home, O'Malley and I tried to defuse the situation, and Marcos seemed like he had chilled, but immediately after getting off the bus after a forty-five minute drive, Stephan threw a beer at Joe. O'Malley took that kid down immediately, and Luke went after Marcos, who had immediately started flipping his lid as welll. What it came down to was I had to regulate. Not really. But yeah. I took the bull by the horns. That's a metaphor. But it really happened.
I am aware that this article sucks. It's 5:31 am. Get off my back.
So, naturally, we all got in a cab and went to IHOP. Because huevos con choriza is delicious, especially if you wait for 45 minutes for it. Last I saw, Luke, kdiddy, and OMalley were crammed into one side of a booth at the IHOP on Halsted, talking about where the nearest club for Man-Gays were. Meanwhile, Joe and I went to piss in his alley. Becuase there is no better way to end a fifteen hour spree than pissing in a freezing cold alley when your bathroom is fifty feet away. Speaking of which, I'm thinking about throwing up now. Later.
Previous Columns:
The Drunken Observer - 1/14/05
The Drunken Observer - 1/07/05
The Drunken Observer - 1/05/05
The Drunken Observer - 12/05/04
The Drunken Observer - 11/07/04
Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 12/29/03
Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 12/22/03
Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 12/15/03
Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 12/08/03
Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 12/01/03
Big Joe's Two Shots and the Ball - 11/24/03